Sunshine and Light

The Triumph of Hope over Reason

Chris had forwarded to me an article in Glamour by Kristen Armstrong, who used to be Lance’s wife. And I’ve spent a little while emailing with a friend of mine a bit about it. Chris also sent me an article that was sort of a rebuttal. I read both articles and found plenty to agree with in each.

I think where I balked is that fear of “losing yourself” in a marriage. Not that it isn’t a legitimate fear. But so far in my very new marriage, I feel like I’m a lot better person in concert with my husband. It helps that I’m only a “pleaser” (as the second writer calls it) until I’m tired, I’m sick, or I just plain don’t want to any more. Putting my foot down isn’t a real issue for me. But because I want Chris to be happy, and healthy in the long term, I’ve definitely cleaned up my act. (We haven’t nacho chips and rotel dip for dinner in a really, really long time).

I found the part about Oprah saying that fear of losing herself keeps her from marriage to be…sad. If the real issue is just that she doesn’t want to get married, that’s perfectly ok. But that’s not what she said. And this comes from a woman who probably declares that we have to lose our fears and take risks to achieve the best in life. My question is, when she’s 75 years old and her very well paid minders are making sure she doesn’t fall and hurt herself, will she regret it? The risk goes both ways. Not only is there risk in doing something, there’s risk in not doing something. You may not lose capital in a savings account like you could in a mutual fund, but it could just easily disappear via inflation. You may not have to worry about losing yourself in a marriage, or surviving a cheating spouse, or divorce by staying single, but on the flip side, you don’t get the benefits of marriage either. You lose the support, the love, and the companionship of marriage. I know that if I had lost my job 6 years ago, I would have been completely screwed. But if I lost my job now, Chris is bringing in money, we have savings, and we would get by. It may be on ramen noodles in a house where the heat is set on 45, but we’d get by. When I need help of any sort, I know I can ask him, and when I want tell him something that made me laugh or made me angry, he’s there. Even if our marriage were to go down in flames (no, we’re still honeymooning, don’t even think it!), it would be worth it for the time that we are together.

I think it helps us a LOT that I’ve seen really good marriages in action. My parents just celebrated 40 years together. Recently a friend was telling me how cute it is that they still hold hands when they walk through the mall. I’ve seen them go through rough times. But I also know that now they’re happy together. Not one of my parents’ siblings is divorced, even after some really crummy things happened to them. So I know that marriage can be good and can last. Finding bad examples is easy – they’re usually louder and more dramatic than the good marriage that quietly marches on through the years. I feel really blessed to have seen the good. And so far, taking the risk is paying off.

posted by MyHusbandRules @ 2:55 PM